Tag Archives: Memory

Distance

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I used to have a past that I thought I was running from, memories that I wanted to keep but not have them be so…fresh. There were moments that seemed fraught with bad decisions and regrettable behavior, others that were filled with longing and loneliness.

I knew looking back on those parts of my life from a great distance would make them nostalgic and charming. The follies of youth and all that.

Well, here I sit, not far past forty and I’ll be damned if I can’t remember those moments with any great detail or clarity. Did I put too much distance between me and those memories? I see them through the haze of years I piled on top in an effort to continue to move forward. Now, oddly, I yearn for them.

I wonder what happened to that portion of my life and why I cannot access it. Did I try too hard to push on, build walls too strong to get past without assistance? I must admit I’m baffled.

The only thing that brings me close is music. There are songs that act as marvelous triggers that have the ability to transport me to times gone by. Exact situations, small crystallized fragments fly up and I can see them, feel them and its delicious.

I have a nostalgic heart and I can’t help but believe some of that precious nostalgia has been stolen from my by my own determined will. I wonder if I can turn that will upon itself and find my way back. I know there are juicy bits there that I will want to relish, a small gold mine of ideas to fuel my stories.

I am convinced they are there and I shall continue moving through that haze while I listen to song after beautiful song.

Misty Water-colored Memories

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Memories are funny creatures. They skitter in and out of the accessible areas of my mind with little or no regularity and they rarely, if ever, come when called. I’ve had friends reminisce about times gone by and while I’m sure I was there with them, I don’t “see” what they are seeing when they talk about it. I worry about this since my maternal grandmother had Alzheimer’s. I try not to – power of positive thinking and all that – but it creeps in from time to time when I am not vigilant.

Other times, a memory from a ridiculous number of years ago flares up unbidden and I’m left to wonder if there’s some deep meaning inherent in its sudden reappearance and I’m just not connecting the dots or if these memories are just mental driftwood bumping around in my brain.

Stranger yet are the memories of dreams. When I was younger I used to write down my dreams. They were treasures, these fantastic events, these mash-ups of impossible moments. I would come back to read them years later and marvel at the mind’s operation. Every now and then, as I’m lying in bed before falling asleep, bits of these former dreams float up and again I have to ask myself “is there a message here?” I’ve yet to find the answer and for now I just enjoy them as little signs that my memory is still functioning and is perhaps being kept alive by imagination and creativity.