I used to have a past that I thought I was running from, memories that I wanted to keep but not have them be so…fresh. There were moments that seemed fraught with bad decisions and regrettable behavior, others that were filled with longing and loneliness.
I knew looking back on those parts of my life from a great distance would make them nostalgic and charming. The follies of youth and all that.
Well, here I sit, not far past forty and I’ll be damned if I can’t remember those moments with any great detail or clarity. Did I put too much distance between me and those memories? I see them through the haze of years I piled on top in an effort to continue to move forward. Now, oddly, I yearn for them.
I wonder what happened to that portion of my life and why I cannot access it. Did I try too hard to push on, build walls too strong to get past without assistance? I must admit I’m baffled.
The only thing that brings me close is music. There are songs that act as marvelous triggers that have the ability to transport me to times gone by. Exact situations, small crystallized fragments fly up and I can see them, feel them and its delicious.
I have a nostalgic heart and I can’t help but believe some of that precious nostalgia has been stolen from my by my own determined will. I wonder if I can turn that will upon itself and find my way back. I know there are juicy bits there that I will want to relish, a small gold mine of ideas to fuel my stories.
I am convinced they are there and I shall continue moving through that haze while I listen to song after beautiful song.